My Max

Well, a lot has happened in our lives since the fall or since I last posted anything. It's not terrible, life just looks different. There has been a fork in the road and it involves my precious son Max, age ten soon to be eleven on June 12. I decided I'd write an overview about his life this year instead of repeating our story, forgetting who I e told what, and feeling very overwhelmed by life's details. For those of you that may not have known me in the beginning years of my marriage I will start there because it was not soon thereafter that we became pregnant with Max. Yes, six months into marriage and we found out we would be expecting our bambino on August 28th, 2001. I was 28 and Jason and I knew we wanted a family and had read about a study that came out that said if you have your first child before the age of 30 you decrease your risk of breast cancer by 50%…my mother had had a bilateral mastectomy the year before I married Jason so it just made sense to us to not wait too long and my clock was ticking. I will also add that my maternal grandmother had breast cancer late in life and my dad's sister died from breast cancer in the early 90s and had battled it I think for over ten years. Mom also had a first cousin who had breast cancer in her 20's that took her life as well. Needless to say anything that decreases your chances by 50% is worth a try, it's up there with exercise and diet for me. The Lord blessed us greatly and quickly. Fast forward, Jason and I had celebrated our one year anniversary big and pregnant at the beach. We came home on Sunday and I came home very sick with a virus of some sort and stayed home from work that Monday, June 12. I started having abdominal pains around mid day and just thought it was ligaments stretching. Mind you I was only 29 weeks gestation. By the end of the day I finally called the Dr. in intense pain and we went to the hospital. The Dr. checked me, looked at me and said "well you are going to have a baby tonight!". I was in shock and 8cm along. There was no stopping the baby from coming. Up to this point we didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl. Max came. Around 10 that night weighing at 3 lb. 14 oz and 29 weeks gestation. He was a big baby for being a 29 weeker. His lungs were not developed and it took two attempts with surfactant to get his lungs just to expand. At that time only two times could they try and the second dose worked. I believe this had only been used since 1990 for immature lungs and babies before that more than likely would have died. It's the sticky stuff inside the lungs that helps them expand is my understanding. He then was put on a ventilator and whisked away in a critical care ambulance to uptown Charlotte to the NICU at Presbyterian. I was in the small Presby. Matthews hospital and there was not a high level NICU there at the time. I saw my new, very sick son for about 30 seconds inside an isolette covered from head to toe with wires and tubes, I didn't even know what he looked like and couldn't hold him. Up to this point in life that had probably been the most difficult heartache I had experienced. God was good and Max was only on the vent for about 24 hours. I met him the next afternoon and still was unable to hold him because every movement for a preemie counts as a calorie burned and they need to develop and are in high critical care those first 72 hours. Our life was a roller coaster for 49 days of Max living in the hospital. We brought him home at the end of July. Outside of some urological issues he developed at a healthy pace and hit all of his milestones as he should have, always a couple months behind a healthy baby who would have been born full term. Max was a delightful toddler. Of course I am his mother but he was a sweetheart. He talked, played and ate well. At age four he picked up reading on his own. He was an older four but one day it just clicked while we were reading books and then there was no stopping him. His preschool teacher for t-k said she would always have Max help fix her computer games if they got stuck. He loved music and would try to lead the class when we did music classes for toddlers. He also lead the Greek National anthem in kindergarten once they learned the words. He was a very happy spirited child. Max has always loved school, has made very good grades and overall has had good behavior. He's a typical first born, eager to please. First grade, 2nd and 3rd he exclaimed how he loved school! Then 4th grade started in the fall and things changed. Max has always had issues with sprizting the front of his pants. He had something called post urethral valves found at birth which was surgically corrected by 6 months of age. But because his bladder wall is somewhat thicker than most his body doesn't signal to his brain that he needs to pee right away. As children do, Max would wait so he could play and just avoid using the bathroom. We gave him a watch to wear that vibrates every two hours to remind him and that still didn't lead to consistent changes. We kept telling him that if he kept this up that kids would start noticing and teasing him come 3rd and 4th grade. The peer pressure didn't change his lack of willingness either. And what we predicted happened, kids started picking up on it. Max is also a kidney stone former and needs to drink a lot of water and pee throughout the day so this compounds the problem. The child knows what extreme pain is...he has had them since he was two. So we have a child in a ten year old body, already having body odor and growing armpit hair and he spritzes the front of his pants, sometimes. Any parent can see where this could lead. He did get a little better at holding it all day but it wasn't perfected. Also being a bright child, Max is very enthusiastic to participate in class and willing to answer many questions. Although book smart, we've always recognized that he was socially immature for his age and just chalked it up to being a preemie. Well he still hadn't seemed to grow out of it. In the fall he let us know how he was being left out of games he was trying to participate I on the playground. Some kid would run away from him and say he pees his pants to his other friends. Max has never been very coordinated and has had issues with athleticism. He does play basketball but with much frustration and whining. So kids wouldn't want him on their team because he couldn't help them win etc. He would experience the same thing on the neighborhood swim team in the summer. I hated when they put him on a relay because he was by far the slowest swimmer and not very competitive, this didn't go over well with those kids either. One classmate told him he wasn't cool because he didn't do certain things. Of course Max's heart was broken and he was experiencing rejection left and right. And all he wanted was to be accepted and he didn't understand why and thought it was because of his medical issues (spritzing pants and kidney stones). But I knew why the other children were seeing him as an underdog. He had a breakdown in October and finally told us what was going on...tears and a pain in his heart I'd never seen. It was awful as a mother to hear him wail in the shower and wonder why kids didn't like him. It makes my heart hurt as I write. I met with the teacher and assistant principal and they dealt with it at their end but it really never got better. You see it was under the radar bullying. It was in line during transition time,on the playground, conversations during lunch or just the dirty stares. I witnessed it first hand for the first time in February. The fourth grade class took their annual train ride to the state Capitol in Raleigh. It was probably the second hardest day in my life as I witnessed first hand how truly different my Max was compared to his peers. I saw how he tried to converse with others and wouldn't be included. How kids just kind of looked at him and their face said it all, "you are so weird,". Others were like come here so and so come sit with me, but not my son. He painfully tried to join conversations to fit in but was ignored. We were standing in line and Max tried to talk to a peer and he wasn't making sense and the kid said, just leave me alone! I, his mother, was standing right there! It took all of me to not be a bear. Once inside the building Max eagerly over the top answered or wanted to answer any question the tour guide asked. While his peers had the social cues to play it cool, he didn't. I had on these big sunglasses and was holding back the tears as my heart was shredding on the inside. One kid mimicked Max at one point at something he said and I couldn't hold it back and I said are you being unkind? And he was like no...he asked such and such. I was about to throttle a neck. I just wanted to rescue my baby and run away. Max also started having an eye tic and was blinking a lot throughout the day. He had started that a couple weeks before that but it was particularly worse that day. It was very painful for me to see him do this, something wasn't right. He was stressed! He was having headaches and stomach aches all year...stress induced! He always seemed to have them during Greek class at the end of his long school day. The stomach aches were starting to interfere with his school work during school. Also, on the train ride home some sweet Moms filled me in on what their boys had told them about Max. They said that kids teased him and called him stupid, laughed at him. They were one of the few kids out of twenty in his class that noticed his being u accepted. I had no idea it was this bad! THIS was my turning point, my revelation about Max. Pieces of a puzzle were coming together. My heart was aching, I would do anything to take away his pain, his rejection his unawareness. The next day was a Fridy at school and the class had a valentines party. I went by his class to pick him up and Max had a terrible stomach ache. He had been doubled over sticking his head out the window sill for the last ten minutes of the party. I went over to get him and he said in a weak voice , I need real air, I need to climb out this window,I don't need artificial air. I need to go out this window, no artificial air. I was panic struck, I was thinking my child is having an emotional melt down. I finally got him to agree to go out the door and out to the car. He was having major sensory overload! I had been reading way too much on the Internet and found words, socially awkward (check), reads at a young age (check), doesn't read body language well (check), high anxiety (check), loves Legos star wars video games (check), tics (check), not very coordinated and very disorganized (check and check)! I didnt need a diagnosis, a mother knows her child like no one else. The more I read the more my world spun. These characteristics all lead to a child with aspergers. The heartache, the reality I was being confronted with, the possible truth was hard to swallow. This wasn't something that was going to disappear over a weekend or a month. This was his blueprint. This is his blueprint. After a letter going out to the class about bullying and mostly toward Max, many parents were so supportive and felt terrible that Max was going through this. Even one of the ring leader's mom called me and brought her son over and we spoke with him and he and Max made up, Max forgave him (he is so tender that way), and they played video games. That mom hated that her child was doing the bullying and that mine was on the receiving end. It was a great lesson on forgiveness and I commend that Mom friend of mine for stepping up and reaching out. It meant so much to us. Unfortunately the bullying didn't stop there With other kids and last week Max's class had a sub and they took advantage of that. Max was brought to tears and to,d by one child that it was Max's fault that they got in trouble. Max told me and said he didn't want to return to school, this is the third time he has expressed this. We were trying to get him Through the end of the year but this was the last straw. How does a a rejected child enter a classroom everyday and wonder if he will be excluded, taunted or teased. He was at his max and I don't blame him. T this point they have finished most of their required studies so we pulled him out for the last two months and are keeping him busy doing workbooks, reading, chores exercise and Brain Balance! What's Brain Balance? It's a program Max started Monday here in Pineville. It is three days a week for one hour. It also involves daily home assignments. We have eye exercises, sit ups, pushups, back exercises, and some weird music therapy cd to listen too. Soon we will get blood work for food sensitivities and see if we need to eliminate certain foods. It's a non mainstream approach to dealing with these neurological issues in children. In Max's case he right brain isn't as developed as his left brain. This explains his anxiety, his emotions, his difficulty with expressing his reading into words on paper. We will do this for 36 sessions. A great word picture to describe this is if you have a lazy eye, which one do they patch? The strong eye so the lazy eye can exercise and catch up and be balanced with the strong eye. Well the brain is the same way, Max's right hemisphere is weak and needs to be exercised. He does this through a series of academic, physical exercises, eye exercises etc. to strengthen the right side. May it sound quacky to some, yes. It's not the one size fits all medical approach. After his assessment at brain balance over spring break we learned more about how Max is wired. His core muscle strength is that of a 4-5 year old, some of his academic abilities are that of a high schooler and college age kid, and his emotions are of a 7 year old, yet he is in a 103 pound almost eleven year old body and starting puberty on the early side. His body/brain is unbalanced. So through much dedication and work to be done we pray that Max will come out of this with a more balanced body to be the best Max can be. Some people are like it's very expensive, to which I say yes and insurance doesn't cover this. But is my child worth it yes! Are there a gazillion different opinions and advice on how we treat children on the autism spectrum, yes! Do families try many different options yes! Why, because we will do whatever it takes to give our child the healthiest life we can give them to feel like confident accepted adults someday. So, I am hopeful and know that Max has so much to offer and will make an awesome adult someday. We just have to direct his sail through these next 8 years or so to help him achieve that. As far as school goes, we are hopeful that he can go to a small private Christian school next fall. We are visiting it week after next. It seems it would be a good fit for him and we know some of the teachers and have a few friends hwhose kids go to school there. We love Socrates Academy where the kids have been going and Charlie and Evy will continue to go there. The principal has been very supportive and Max's teacher did all she could on her front. Adults love Max and I know his teachers are sad to see him go, as am I but we know it's best for him. This wasn't my plan for my son. This wasn't the way I pictured Max's life at ten. I know there are bumps in the road and tears and trials and celebrations but this has been a tsunami for me and Jason. Max is unaware of a diagnosis name for what he is struggling with and it's not important. He knows he is getting his brain balanced and he seems not so stressed this week hanging out with me and doing brain balance. Now it's only day three of homeschooling for two months but we can do anything for two months, especially for my child. We are learning how to parent him in a different way. Our other approaches didn't work and now we understand why we were hitting a wall all of the time. I know if it's loud Max may cover his ears or ask to step outside for some fresh air. I know he didn't use the bathroom much at school because the toilets were loud and it was kind of s arty to him. I know when he is blinking his eyes even if he tells me he is fine he really is stressed about something or anxious. Through allof this we all as a family are being refined. This isn't just a Max thing it involves all of us. Max has turned to scripture to comfort him during his times of fear, he knows that sometimes God's p,an is different than ours, and he knows that his family loves him and supports him on his journey. I hope this lengthy summary, ironic I know, helps explain our lives and current state of affairs. Forgive me if I'm tired, not smiley, unresponsive it's just been hard and I don't hide my emotions well. I know this is our plan laid out before us and my heavenly father will carry all of us every step of the way. As I tell all of my children, "Max God made you in his image, and his image of you is perfect the way He saw fit.".

Taking the Time

It's been a while since I've blogged but I don't do it unless I feel like I need to share. Also, I need to get something off of my chest...I type from an iPad so the typos are abundant, my spelling and grammar may be incorrect for I haven't written regularly in years, but this is for fun and not a grade! There I said it. I really wrote that for my own self satisfaction. I still hear that that "grammar" police voice in my head and my lit. Teacher who was phenomenal, critiquing my writing. I still care after, umm well 16 years! Onto better stuff!

I was given an opportunity to spend time with a friend yesterday. Most of you know that in the past year and a half I have been designing jewelry out of beads. My friends know to come to me if they need a minor repair or if they want something to be redesigned. Sometimes I do it for love and sometimes I let them pay me. This particular friend is the mother of a couple of women in my church and the grandmother to several children that I know. She played an instrumental part in teaching me in the bible study I was involved in for the past years. She taught that first year and since we've had others come along and instruct. I am so grateful to women who have the gift of speaking in public and sharing God's word so they aren't just black and white letters on a page to me. Like the Lord breathed life into me, these teachers have breathed life into what I once deemed as booring words on a page into words of truth that have changed my life forever. Well, this particular friend had some old Ccechoslovakian glass beads that were her mothers that she wanted to be restrung so she could wear them again. A box of clear crystals was handed to me to string as I wished and I was able to give her new life to her deceased mother's jewels. What a gift to me it was to do this for her because I was friends with her very elderly mother too for she was in my small group study too. She only passed within the past couple of years so I was so happy to do this for my friend.

Well, after having had the beads for all summer, I finally completed the necklace last week and delivered it to her. The kids had a half day of school so my time was somewhat limited for my to do list. Let's face it my to do list isn't always necessary for things that have to get done. More or less it's about being able to stop by Ulta, sans kids, and picking out a new face cream and not picking out the most expensive one because you just need to leave because your little one has to go to the potty! Not necessary, but a little luxury I have now since all of the kids are in school. As I pulled up to her home her car wasn't there. But she popped her head out to let me know she was home and invited me in to come visit with her. Happily I said I'd love to come inside and visit with her. What a rare opportunity to share conversation with this lovely lady. Of course I thought well I need to go to trader joes but Jason had offered to go already if I hadn't made it. We sat down in her warm family room and she shared with me about her new crocheting projects and what she's been reading. This is a woman who dearly loves the Lord and knows his word well. She also was diagnosed with cancer of the brain a year ago shortly around the time she lost her beloved mother. Her short term memory isn't as good since she has been sick so she said she has just been reading the bible without commentaries without outside studies and just allowing the holy spirit to fill her mind. And she is "fine" with this. She is learning to be content in all things, Phillipians 4:12 reminds us of this "...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...". Wow, that spoke loudly to me.

My life looks very different to my dear friend's life but I could relate to her in this regard. I don't need to work for our Lord's acceptance. I have had to allow myself to have the freedom this year to just read the bible instead of being in a formal study. I read because my heart yearns for it. Psalm 42:1, "as the deer pants for water so my soul pants for the Lord.". It's a sweet spot to be in with this journey with the Lord. We all reach it at different times, in different seasons, and usually during times of trials.

There's something that gives this peace of mind so much weight coming from one of your elders. The Lord knew I needed to hear this at this time with this friend. I don't know the amount of time my friend has here on this beautiful earth, nor myself for that matter or any of you. I do know that I am so thankful that I took the time to stop and talk. Like the box of loose beads turned into a new creation, so our Lord takes the time to turn you and me into beautiful jewels.

Dinner posting

As I was throwing stuff in the crockpot just now I thought I'd share a couple of easy meal ideas on those days you don't want to have to do much prep work at night.

I usually serve both of these meals over brown rice. I prefer short grain brown rice because it has a creamier texture. I buy trader joe's already cooked in the freezer section and it's ready in 3 minutes! I also have a rice cooker and will prepare that way if I have time. I gre up eating brown rice my whole life and find that it has much more flavor than your average white rice. If I do eat white rice it would be jasmine rice (Thai rice).

Apricot chicken

3-4 chicken breasts
1 package of drakes onion soup
2 small cans of apricot halves

Just put chicken on bottom of crock, sprinkle dried soup, and place apricots on top of the bird, dump juices all over and cook all day! Serve with steamed green beans or broccoli. I have yet to find a msg free dried soup mix. If you know of one please pass on.

Salsa chicken

Layer ingredients in crock
3-4 chicken breasts
Jar of salsa, whole thing
Can black beans
Frozen corn as much as you like
You could add some jalapenos for extra kick if preferred
Cook all day and shred chicken near end, blend with all I ingredients
I sever leftovers on whole wheat burritos, avocado and sprinkle of cheese, yum!

Enjoy!

Heavy

My heart feels heavy and burdened for others around me. Most of these people are a part of my church family. It's been a hard summer and fall with the loss of young human life. And in all of the situations it could have been any of us. It could be my child, my spouse, my friend, my mentor, or a friend of a friend and your common thread of motherhood has knit your heart to empathize for the families loss.

My church's school has experienced two beautiful young families both loose young mothers to cancer. The most recent loss just happened this weekend. I knew her. I didn't know her well, but our lives crossed friends, church, the gym, bible study etc. This week her three children and dear husband will celebrate her life with saddened hearts to have to say goodbye what seems this side of heaven too early. Another young mom from the same school just passed away a month ago. I never knew this young woman but had prayed for her over the past two years when friends of hers were sharing her battle with cancer. She sounded like a lovely person, and she too leaves behind, I think, three young children and a grieving husband. Earlier in the summer a family I've known for ten years lost one of their five children, a young 15 year old man, to a pure accident. My boys knew him, my kids had his older sisters babysit them, and my boys have played with their youngest child.

And so it is...my heart is heavy. As I live longer it seems to get harder. This reality of having to live with the fact that we aren't mortal. That from the day we are conceived in our mother's womb we will have life and that life will end one day here on earth. I'm not scared of dying. I look forward to heaven. I delight in knowing I will have a new body, that there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more depression, no more insecurities, no more battling with earthly desires.

Yet friends I have hope. I often ask myself what would I be like if I was walking in their shoes. And then I follow up with a prayer of "Lord please spare me from ever such a day.". And yet he will choose my coming into this world and my going out of this world. I. Am no different than any of these families. That is what scares me. So, I choose to believe in what truth comforts me when I doubt. I don't have a great memory for quoting scripture but I remember the ideas in my heart...."For I know the plans I have for you Katherine, the Lord is my shepherd..even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me, come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.". These are the words I cling to when I can't make sense of this world.

I don't know why these saints had to leave us so early. But I do know that that ecclisiastes 3 1-8"for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die, a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted, a time to kill, and a time to heal, a time to break down, and a time to build up, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to seek and a tome to lose, a time to keep and a time to cast away, a time to tear and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace"

Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that real life here on earth? Take the time. God created it and we never know when he will say "well done good and faithful servant." I love you my dear friends and family.

Be still...continued

Okay, I had to stop and for some reason am unable to get the editing to work correctly to pick up where I left off. Sorry about the break in writing.

Just to close these thoughts out. I've only mentioned a few things that are rattling around in my head. The list goes on and on as I'm sure many of friends do too. How do I conclude these observations about myself? Well, its okay to have quiet. It's okay to have time to think, to be still, to listen to the holy spirit during the mundane things. Usually music during my quiet alone times leads me into communion with God. Half the time I'm grumbling and complaining about the task at hand but I am learning that I need to take advantage of these moments as gifts. Whether it is rediscovering a dusty talent, spending time with a young mother or hurting friend, washing the kid's clothes, or trying a new exercise such as yoga. Being still is a gift, it's not popular, it seems unproductive but it is necessary because my heavenly father created it.

Be still...

Be still and know that I am God. I think that is where I am these days. I have more time to be still these days and I need to get to know him better. What does that look like for me? I need to listen to that quiet whisper, the prompting of my heart to reach out to that friend I haven't crossed paths with in years or months. I need to explore the gifts the Lord has bestowed upon me. I have many things I would like to try but am scared of failing. Isn't God who created me? Well yes, and if so who am I to doubt that he wouldn't want me to explore possible gifts that could ultimately be used to glorify him. I sound so Presbyterian at this point, chuckle with me...it's a good thing.

As I type I am listening to Pandora radio. I have chosen the Morman Tabernacle Choir. Most of it has been acapella coral music. I think this is what heaven will sound like. I use to sing in a choir most of my life until the kids arrived. I miss it, but I will be still and enjoy the purity of classical music through Pandora. Some of it brings tears to my eyes.

Another wonderful tool I have been using to get to know God better is through a Bible app, thanks Sarah Gravesen, that reads to me. I can have different versions read to me and I find that I like it. I pay better attention and don't drift into lala land as easily. I really have been trying to read the scripture our pastor is going to preach from on Sundays the morning before I go to prepare my heart. I'm not always on my game, let's be realistic now, but I am quieting my heart to know him.

I've just switched pandora to the Tallis Scholars. Look them up..it is well worth your time. I think if I could hear music like this on Sundays I would be a blubbering mess. Be still...be still...the voice is an amazing gift to edify the Lord with.

Sewing, I probably should have majored in home economics. I love all things domestic except cleaning.can't be great at everything :). I went to some counseling before I had my third child. I just needed to sort through my life as I felt overwhelmed and wanted to prepare, as best one can, to care for three little ones five and under. She had me explain myself and I think one of my aha moments was fear of failing. As best I can remember, I came out of there feeling empowered to not let that fear hold me back from discovering who God created me to be. He gave me a mind, a desire, a curiosity to learn to sew. Just do it as children of the 80's learned from Nike. So, I signed up for a sewing class and bought a low end BMW machine, a Bernina basic model sewing machine. I have sewn a few curtains, created a bear for Charlie, and helped make bags for orphans in Haiti. Other than that the Bernina is collecting too much dust. I think I will get it out and try some fun projects.

A new thing..

I am venturing into unchartered territory this fall. Phase five of life is what I call it. Phase one was my childhood, phase 2 was college, phase three (one of the hardest for me) was my single adult life, phase four was marriage and babies, and now I enter phase five of being by myself all day with no kids at home. It's like I am having to rediscovere myself, my purpose, the roles I'd like to take on, and being a mom to school age kids.

As exhausting for me as being a stay at home mother is, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing. From a young agei was called to a domestic career of motherhood and wife. Yes, I went and got my college degree but never landed a passion for a certain career until I met Jason and we quickly settled into parenthood a year and two days after our one year wedding anniversary. Max, now ten, decided to come 11 weeks early. I think it was a very exciting but stressful year. I was discovering marriage life, pregnancy six months into it, very premature baby, and then 911 hit our country. I thought how do I bring a child up in this world? But as god would have it, we were pregnant only 14 months later with Charlie. That was wonderful and very hard at the same time. I had two babies at one time, lived on the second floor of an apartment and was suffering from post partum depression that never ceased. I often wonder why the lord gave me this cross to bear. It's never gone away eight years later and I still battle this hidden illness. I call it hidden because it is in your head, brain, heart. Nobody can see it. There are no bandages, there is no medical test, no blood to be drawn, no physical trauma that's visible. There's always a battle with the right meds, because eventually they have to be shuffled. And on the the worst of days I ave felt very stuck inside a body that doesn't feel likely own but it is and that will never change. So woe is me, what is my purpose with this? Because there is a purpose for everything in life. I feel as if I am to be honest and open about this mental illness and allow other mothers to not feel guilty and alone. I felt so alone, isolated,angry, exhausted and stuck. It's when I feel furthest from theLord but I choose to believe the scripture that says he knows what I need even when I dont, I share with my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray for me when icant myself. I've learned to deal and yet I still feel trapped. My kids are worth it. My husband is my left arm and is my support, partner and best friend and I don't knowhow I could have gotten through these past ten years without his help.

With proper meds, a couple years off from birthing babies, we then welcomed our delightful bundle of girl,Evy. I prayed. For her before I ever conceived. I even saw a little girl in my dreams with short bobbed hair but looking more like her daddy, and she truly is him in girl form. She is my drama queen, my loudest child, my huggie girl, my hand holder, my buddy. She has been a delight, a joy, a child that brings a smile to the face of strangers. And now I drop her off with her big brothers everyday, watching her big backpack shuffle back and forth on her little frame talking to every teacher she knows walking in Evy time. She looks so much younger than the two boys when they started kindergarten. And here I am.

Phase five is here and it's strange, exciting, and earily quiet, very quiet. It's week three of school and the tears are still sneaking up on me. I saw her little Dora tricycle in the driveway and it reminded me of her abscense. I. Enjoy the quiet but. I think I enjoy the noise too.