I am venturing into unchartered territory this fall. Phase five of life is what I call it. Phase one was my childhood, phase 2 was college, phase three (one of the hardest for me) was my single adult life, phase four was marriage and babies, and now I enter phase five of being by myself all day with no kids at home. It's like I am having to rediscovere myself, my purpose, the roles I'd like to take on, and being a mom to school age kids.
As exhausting for me as being a stay at home mother is, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing. From a young agei was called to a domestic career of motherhood and wife. Yes, I went and got my college degree but never landed a passion for a certain career until I met Jason and we quickly settled into parenthood a year and two days after our one year wedding anniversary. Max, now ten, decided to come 11 weeks early. I think it was a very exciting but stressful year. I was discovering marriage life, pregnancy six months into it, very premature baby, and then 911 hit our country. I thought how do I bring a child up in this world? But as god would have it, we were pregnant only 14 months later with Charlie. That was wonderful and very hard at the same time. I had two babies at one time, lived on the second floor of an apartment and was suffering from post partum depression that never ceased. I often wonder why the lord gave me this cross to bear. It's never gone away eight years later and I still battle this hidden illness. I call it hidden because it is in your head, brain, heart. Nobody can see it. There are no bandages, there is no medical test, no blood to be drawn, no physical trauma that's visible. There's always a battle with the right meds, because eventually they have to be shuffled. And on the the worst of days I ave felt very stuck inside a body that doesn't feel likely own but it is and that will never change. So woe is me, what is my purpose with this? Because there is a purpose for everything in life. I feel as if I am to be honest and open about this mental illness and allow other mothers to not feel guilty and alone. I felt so alone, isolated,angry, exhausted and stuck. It's when I feel furthest from theLord but I choose to believe the scripture that says he knows what I need even when I dont, I share with my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray for me when icant myself. I've learned to deal and yet I still feel trapped. My kids are worth it. My husband is my left arm and is my support, partner and best friend and I don't knowhow I could have gotten through these past ten years without his help.
With proper meds, a couple years off from birthing babies, we then welcomed our delightful bundle of girl,Evy. I prayed. For her before I ever conceived. I even saw a little girl in my dreams with short bobbed hair but looking more like her daddy, and she truly is him in girl form. She is my drama queen, my loudest child, my huggie girl, my hand holder, my buddy. She has been a delight, a joy, a child that brings a smile to the face of strangers. And now I drop her off with her big brothers everyday, watching her big backpack shuffle back and forth on her little frame talking to every teacher she knows walking in Evy time. She looks so much younger than the two boys when they started kindergarten. And here I am.
Phase five is here and it's strange, exciting, and earily quiet, very quiet. It's week three of school and the tears are still sneaking up on me. I saw her little Dora tricycle in the driveway and it reminded me of her abscense. I. Enjoy the quiet but. I think I enjoy the noise too.
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