Taking the Time

It's been a while since I've blogged but I don't do it unless I feel like I need to share. Also, I need to get something off of my chest...I type from an iPad so the typos are abundant, my spelling and grammar may be incorrect for I haven't written regularly in years, but this is for fun and not a grade! There I said it. I really wrote that for my own self satisfaction. I still hear that that "grammar" police voice in my head and my lit. Teacher who was phenomenal, critiquing my writing. I still care after, umm well 16 years! Onto better stuff!

I was given an opportunity to spend time with a friend yesterday. Most of you know that in the past year and a half I have been designing jewelry out of beads. My friends know to come to me if they need a minor repair or if they want something to be redesigned. Sometimes I do it for love and sometimes I let them pay me. This particular friend is the mother of a couple of women in my church and the grandmother to several children that I know. She played an instrumental part in teaching me in the bible study I was involved in for the past years. She taught that first year and since we've had others come along and instruct. I am so grateful to women who have the gift of speaking in public and sharing God's word so they aren't just black and white letters on a page to me. Like the Lord breathed life into me, these teachers have breathed life into what I once deemed as booring words on a page into words of truth that have changed my life forever. Well, this particular friend had some old Ccechoslovakian glass beads that were her mothers that she wanted to be restrung so she could wear them again. A box of clear crystals was handed to me to string as I wished and I was able to give her new life to her deceased mother's jewels. What a gift to me it was to do this for her because I was friends with her very elderly mother too for she was in my small group study too. She only passed within the past couple of years so I was so happy to do this for my friend.

Well, after having had the beads for all summer, I finally completed the necklace last week and delivered it to her. The kids had a half day of school so my time was somewhat limited for my to do list. Let's face it my to do list isn't always necessary for things that have to get done. More or less it's about being able to stop by Ulta, sans kids, and picking out a new face cream and not picking out the most expensive one because you just need to leave because your little one has to go to the potty! Not necessary, but a little luxury I have now since all of the kids are in school. As I pulled up to her home her car wasn't there. But she popped her head out to let me know she was home and invited me in to come visit with her. Happily I said I'd love to come inside and visit with her. What a rare opportunity to share conversation with this lovely lady. Of course I thought well I need to go to trader joes but Jason had offered to go already if I hadn't made it. We sat down in her warm family room and she shared with me about her new crocheting projects and what she's been reading. This is a woman who dearly loves the Lord and knows his word well. She also was diagnosed with cancer of the brain a year ago shortly around the time she lost her beloved mother. Her short term memory isn't as good since she has been sick so she said she has just been reading the bible without commentaries without outside studies and just allowing the holy spirit to fill her mind. And she is "fine" with this. She is learning to be content in all things, Phillipians 4:12 reminds us of this "...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...". Wow, that spoke loudly to me.

My life looks very different to my dear friend's life but I could relate to her in this regard. I don't need to work for our Lord's acceptance. I have had to allow myself to have the freedom this year to just read the bible instead of being in a formal study. I read because my heart yearns for it. Psalm 42:1, "as the deer pants for water so my soul pants for the Lord.". It's a sweet spot to be in with this journey with the Lord. We all reach it at different times, in different seasons, and usually during times of trials.

There's something that gives this peace of mind so much weight coming from one of your elders. The Lord knew I needed to hear this at this time with this friend. I don't know the amount of time my friend has here on this beautiful earth, nor myself for that matter or any of you. I do know that I am so thankful that I took the time to stop and talk. Like the box of loose beads turned into a new creation, so our Lord takes the time to turn you and me into beautiful jewels.

Dinner posting

As I was throwing stuff in the crockpot just now I thought I'd share a couple of easy meal ideas on those days you don't want to have to do much prep work at night.

I usually serve both of these meals over brown rice. I prefer short grain brown rice because it has a creamier texture. I buy trader joe's already cooked in the freezer section and it's ready in 3 minutes! I also have a rice cooker and will prepare that way if I have time. I gre up eating brown rice my whole life and find that it has much more flavor than your average white rice. If I do eat white rice it would be jasmine rice (Thai rice).

Apricot chicken

3-4 chicken breasts
1 package of drakes onion soup
2 small cans of apricot halves

Just put chicken on bottom of crock, sprinkle dried soup, and place apricots on top of the bird, dump juices all over and cook all day! Serve with steamed green beans or broccoli. I have yet to find a msg free dried soup mix. If you know of one please pass on.

Salsa chicken

Layer ingredients in crock
3-4 chicken breasts
Jar of salsa, whole thing
Can black beans
Frozen corn as much as you like
You could add some jalapenos for extra kick if preferred
Cook all day and shred chicken near end, blend with all I ingredients
I sever leftovers on whole wheat burritos, avocado and sprinkle of cheese, yum!

Enjoy!

Heavy

My heart feels heavy and burdened for others around me. Most of these people are a part of my church family. It's been a hard summer and fall with the loss of young human life. And in all of the situations it could have been any of us. It could be my child, my spouse, my friend, my mentor, or a friend of a friend and your common thread of motherhood has knit your heart to empathize for the families loss.

My church's school has experienced two beautiful young families both loose young mothers to cancer. The most recent loss just happened this weekend. I knew her. I didn't know her well, but our lives crossed friends, church, the gym, bible study etc. This week her three children and dear husband will celebrate her life with saddened hearts to have to say goodbye what seems this side of heaven too early. Another young mom from the same school just passed away a month ago. I never knew this young woman but had prayed for her over the past two years when friends of hers were sharing her battle with cancer. She sounded like a lovely person, and she too leaves behind, I think, three young children and a grieving husband. Earlier in the summer a family I've known for ten years lost one of their five children, a young 15 year old man, to a pure accident. My boys knew him, my kids had his older sisters babysit them, and my boys have played with their youngest child.

And so it is...my heart is heavy. As I live longer it seems to get harder. This reality of having to live with the fact that we aren't mortal. That from the day we are conceived in our mother's womb we will have life and that life will end one day here on earth. I'm not scared of dying. I look forward to heaven. I delight in knowing I will have a new body, that there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more depression, no more insecurities, no more battling with earthly desires.

Yet friends I have hope. I often ask myself what would I be like if I was walking in their shoes. And then I follow up with a prayer of "Lord please spare me from ever such a day.". And yet he will choose my coming into this world and my going out of this world. I. Am no different than any of these families. That is what scares me. So, I choose to believe in what truth comforts me when I doubt. I don't have a great memory for quoting scripture but I remember the ideas in my heart...."For I know the plans I have for you Katherine, the Lord is my shepherd..even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me, come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.". These are the words I cling to when I can't make sense of this world.

I don't know why these saints had to leave us so early. But I do know that that ecclisiastes 3 1-8"for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die, a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted, a time to kill, and a time to heal, a time to break down, and a time to build up, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to seek and a tome to lose, a time to keep and a time to cast away, a time to tear and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace"

Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that real life here on earth? Take the time. God created it and we never know when he will say "well done good and faithful servant." I love you my dear friends and family.

Be still...continued

Okay, I had to stop and for some reason am unable to get the editing to work correctly to pick up where I left off. Sorry about the break in writing.

Just to close these thoughts out. I've only mentioned a few things that are rattling around in my head. The list goes on and on as I'm sure many of friends do too. How do I conclude these observations about myself? Well, its okay to have quiet. It's okay to have time to think, to be still, to listen to the holy spirit during the mundane things. Usually music during my quiet alone times leads me into communion with God. Half the time I'm grumbling and complaining about the task at hand but I am learning that I need to take advantage of these moments as gifts. Whether it is rediscovering a dusty talent, spending time with a young mother or hurting friend, washing the kid's clothes, or trying a new exercise such as yoga. Being still is a gift, it's not popular, it seems unproductive but it is necessary because my heavenly father created it.

Be still...

Be still and know that I am God. I think that is where I am these days. I have more time to be still these days and I need to get to know him better. What does that look like for me? I need to listen to that quiet whisper, the prompting of my heart to reach out to that friend I haven't crossed paths with in years or months. I need to explore the gifts the Lord has bestowed upon me. I have many things I would like to try but am scared of failing. Isn't God who created me? Well yes, and if so who am I to doubt that he wouldn't want me to explore possible gifts that could ultimately be used to glorify him. I sound so Presbyterian at this point, chuckle with me...it's a good thing.

As I type I am listening to Pandora radio. I have chosen the Morman Tabernacle Choir. Most of it has been acapella coral music. I think this is what heaven will sound like. I use to sing in a choir most of my life until the kids arrived. I miss it, but I will be still and enjoy the purity of classical music through Pandora. Some of it brings tears to my eyes.

Another wonderful tool I have been using to get to know God better is through a Bible app, thanks Sarah Gravesen, that reads to me. I can have different versions read to me and I find that I like it. I pay better attention and don't drift into lala land as easily. I really have been trying to read the scripture our pastor is going to preach from on Sundays the morning before I go to prepare my heart. I'm not always on my game, let's be realistic now, but I am quieting my heart to know him.

I've just switched pandora to the Tallis Scholars. Look them up..it is well worth your time. I think if I could hear music like this on Sundays I would be a blubbering mess. Be still...be still...the voice is an amazing gift to edify the Lord with.

Sewing, I probably should have majored in home economics. I love all things domestic except cleaning.can't be great at everything :). I went to some counseling before I had my third child. I just needed to sort through my life as I felt overwhelmed and wanted to prepare, as best one can, to care for three little ones five and under. She had me explain myself and I think one of my aha moments was fear of failing. As best I can remember, I came out of there feeling empowered to not let that fear hold me back from discovering who God created me to be. He gave me a mind, a desire, a curiosity to learn to sew. Just do it as children of the 80's learned from Nike. So, I signed up for a sewing class and bought a low end BMW machine, a Bernina basic model sewing machine. I have sewn a few curtains, created a bear for Charlie, and helped make bags for orphans in Haiti. Other than that the Bernina is collecting too much dust. I think I will get it out and try some fun projects.

A new thing..

I am venturing into unchartered territory this fall. Phase five of life is what I call it. Phase one was my childhood, phase 2 was college, phase three (one of the hardest for me) was my single adult life, phase four was marriage and babies, and now I enter phase five of being by myself all day with no kids at home. It's like I am having to rediscovere myself, my purpose, the roles I'd like to take on, and being a mom to school age kids.

As exhausting for me as being a stay at home mother is, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing. From a young agei was called to a domestic career of motherhood and wife. Yes, I went and got my college degree but never landed a passion for a certain career until I met Jason and we quickly settled into parenthood a year and two days after our one year wedding anniversary. Max, now ten, decided to come 11 weeks early. I think it was a very exciting but stressful year. I was discovering marriage life, pregnancy six months into it, very premature baby, and then 911 hit our country. I thought how do I bring a child up in this world? But as god would have it, we were pregnant only 14 months later with Charlie. That was wonderful and very hard at the same time. I had two babies at one time, lived on the second floor of an apartment and was suffering from post partum depression that never ceased. I often wonder why the lord gave me this cross to bear. It's never gone away eight years later and I still battle this hidden illness. I call it hidden because it is in your head, brain, heart. Nobody can see it. There are no bandages, there is no medical test, no blood to be drawn, no physical trauma that's visible. There's always a battle with the right meds, because eventually they have to be shuffled. And on the the worst of days I ave felt very stuck inside a body that doesn't feel likely own but it is and that will never change. So woe is me, what is my purpose with this? Because there is a purpose for everything in life. I feel as if I am to be honest and open about this mental illness and allow other mothers to not feel guilty and alone. I felt so alone, isolated,angry, exhausted and stuck. It's when I feel furthest from theLord but I choose to believe the scripture that says he knows what I need even when I dont, I share with my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray for me when icant myself. I've learned to deal and yet I still feel trapped. My kids are worth it. My husband is my left arm and is my support, partner and best friend and I don't knowhow I could have gotten through these past ten years without his help.

With proper meds, a couple years off from birthing babies, we then welcomed our delightful bundle of girl,Evy. I prayed. For her before I ever conceived. I even saw a little girl in my dreams with short bobbed hair but looking more like her daddy, and she truly is him in girl form. She is my drama queen, my loudest child, my huggie girl, my hand holder, my buddy. She has been a delight, a joy, a child that brings a smile to the face of strangers. And now I drop her off with her big brothers everyday, watching her big backpack shuffle back and forth on her little frame talking to every teacher she knows walking in Evy time. She looks so much younger than the two boys when they started kindergarten. And here I am.

Phase five is here and it's strange, exciting, and earily quiet, very quiet. It's week three of school and the tears are still sneaking up on me. I saw her little Dora tricycle in the driveway and it reminded me of her abscense. I. Enjoy the quiet but. I think I enjoy the noise too.